The Ezzos have given us many tools to effectively parent our kids. Getting angry is not one of them. You should never have to raise your voice or get frustrated with your child if you use these techniques well. Is it human to get frustrated with your kids? Yes. Can you prevent it? Yes. The more you apply the Ezzo techniques the more obedient your child will become. And the more obedient he is, the less angry and frustrated you will be. So that’s your first task to eliminate anger: apply these principles consistently.
Beyond this, the single most important way to manage your anger is to shift your mindset. You must realize that your anger is your problem not your child’s. No matter how much your child disobeys, your anger is not his fault. You are the adult; he is the child. You choose how you respond to his disobedience. Most children come from a place of goodness and want to obey their parents. If they understand the rules and have motivation to obey, they will. If you constantly battle anger, it should be your signal to look within yourself and examine your parenting to see where you went wrong.
One way to do so is to consistently act more than you speak. It’s too easy to give warning after warning. If you have told your child to do something 20 times in 10 minutes and his behavior still doesn’t change, there is a problem. If you speak more than you act, your words become meaningless and your child will stop obeying you. As trite as it sounds, actions speak louder than words. If your child doesn’t respond the first time you ask him to do something, your very next step should be discipline. This is the crux of first-time obedience. The Ezzos have taught us many ways to correct our children, and no one technique works for all situations, but if your child understands the rules and chooses to break them, you should discipline nonetheless. Show your child with your actions that you mean business. If you constantly remind your child how to behave or give him 200 warnings before disciplining him, your anger level will rise, no doubt. (For more on this, see Say what you mean. Mean what you say.)
If you struggle with anger, you should also examine your need for control. Those of us who apply the Ezzo principles like having our lives structured so we feel more in control. We feel happier when everything is nicely planned out. When things stray from our plan, the loss of control can be unsettling. But undoubtedly, there will be times in your life when your child creates a situation that you cannot control. This is part of being a parent. We can do all that we can to set our children up for success, but ultimately they control what they eat, when they will sleep and when they will potty train. We cannot physically force them to do these things. If you feel like control is at the root of your anger, simply being aware of it will help.
Another way to eliminate anger and frustration from your parenting is to pay constant attention to your tone of voice, body language and stress level. There are times when you can feel the frustration level slowly rising. And there are times when you get angry at the drop of a hat with little warning. If you struggle with anger, make it your objective to be on constant alert for your anger signals. Ask your spouse to tell you when he sees you get angry. Develop a signal like tugging on his ear or clearing his throat to indicate to you that you need to calm down. You don’t want him to flat out tell you to calm down in front of your child because it will undermine your authority. Another option is to set the video camera on record for a few hours and watch it back. Listen to your voice. Watch your body language. Watch your child’s reactions to your anger. Pay attention to your stress level whether it manifests through tense shoulders, clenched fists, tight jaw, etc.
Once you become more aware of your anger signals, try to determine a pattern. Do you get angry at certain times of the day more than others? Are your mornings always stressful? Are you most angry when you’re out in public with your child? Are you always tired and simply need more sleep? Try to find a pattern and then take steps to change the pattern. For example, if you find yourself getting angry during your morning routine, get up an hour earlier. Simple fix. If you find yourself getting angry at mealtimes, do some non-conflict training with your child to teach him manners. If you are angry throughout the day or more so in the evenings, try going to bed an hour or two earlier.
Also have a plan for when he disobeys. Decide ahead of time what consequence you will give your child if he misbehaves at your high-stress times. That way, you know how you will respond and won’t lapse into anger.
Another useful tactic is to find a way to physically prevent yourself from disciplining your child out of anger. Make your typical discipline spot far away from the activity center of the house. If your trouble spots are in the main hub of the house (kitchen, family room, etc.) force yourself to discipline your child only in his bedroom or a bathroom. The time that it takes to walk up the stairs or across the house will give you time to calm down. If your house is small or if this doesn’t work for whatever reason, just count to ten silently. Take a breather. Give yourself a timeout if you need it. There is nothing wrong with making your child wait for discipline. In fact, the anticipation of it may be discipline enough.
Above all, if you know you struggle with anger and cannot seem to manage it, simply walk away. Even if your child continues with the poor behavior, letting him continue to do so for a few minutes is far better than disciplining him out of anger. Not only is it ineffective, but disciplining in anger is borderline abusive. It’s too important to ignore so take the necessary steps to control your anger. It’s no easy task, but you will all be happier for it.