Tag Archives: yes mommy

Regularly evaluate first-time obedience

Have you ever been blindsided by your child’s disobedience? It goes something like this. You are moving along contentedly, going through the motions of daily life. Most of the time, your daily life can be fairly child-centric without necessarily harming anything. But then suddenly you encounter an adult situation during which your child disobeys miserably, causing huge amounts of frustration and embarrassment for you, your spouse and everyone else involved. You leave the event vowing to your spouse that you will get your child’s obedience under control immediately.

There are two problems with this. First, of course, is that you had to experience the frustration and embarrassment in the first place. Second, your poor child is suddenly faced with super strict parents who have given the child no warning that things are going to change. His likely response will be to rebel even more, which only compounds the problem.

The million dollar question then becomes, How do you avoid being blindsided in the first place? The answer: evaluate your child’s level of first-time obedience (FTO) regularly. Think of the events that happen on a weekly, monthly or bi-annual basis, and set a reminder to yourself to evaluate your child’s FTO. Maybe you decide to do it every Sunday afternoon after church. Or you schedule it once a month when you pay bills. Perhaps you evaluate FTO every six months when you change the batteries in your smoke detectors. Associate it with some other event and jot it down on your calendar so you won’t forget.

Actually evaluating your child’s first-time obedience is quite simple. Just call your child’s name several times in the day and see how well he responds with “yes, mommy” and eye contact. At the end of the day, decide on a general percentage of how well he did. If you are the analytical type and need an exact percentage, count the number of times you called his name and the number of times he responded appropriately. Divide one by the other and you’ll get your percentage.

What percentage is acceptable? This of course depends on how old your child is and how long you have been working on it. If you have a two-year-old who has only been learning how to respond for two weeks, then 20 percent is probably acceptable (as long as you keep working at it). If you have a ten-year-old who has had a high level of FTO in the past, you might only accept 90 percent.

As you proceed through this process, always keep your goal in mind. The percentage does you no good unless you do something with it. If it’s lower than you’d like, that’s your cue that you need to work on FTO before you encounter a situation that will require greater obedience. Save yourselves the frustration and heartache by evaluating and working on first-time obedience before you really need it.

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Give individual instruction

Credit: kiwinz via Flickr

Do you have two or more children? If so, this is for you. Have you ever given an instruction that applies to both children and gotten zero response? Doesn’t it seem logical to give an instruction to two or more kids at the same time than to get their attention individually? We should be able to do so, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work.

If you’ve been following this blog, you’re no stranger to the idea that we need to call our kids’ names and get a “yes, mommy” and eye contact before we give an instruction. It makes perfect sense and works very well when you’re working with one child.

But what do you do when you have an instruction for two or more children? Should you:

  • Option #1: Skip the process and just give your instruction?
  • Option #2: Call both children’s names at the same time?
  • Option #3: Call each name individually and go through the process as you would with one child?

I speak from experience when I suggest that you do the latter. Yes, it sounds very inefficient and like over-kill, but it works. Here’s how these scenarios play out in my home:

Option #1

Me: Boys, go wash your hands for dinner!

Them: Silence and inaction.

Option #2

Me: William and Lucas?

Them: Silence as they each wait for the other to respond.

Option #3

Me: William?

William: Yes, mommy?

Me: Go wash your hands for dinner.

William: Yes, mommy (as he goes to wash up).

Me: Lucas?

Lucas: Yes, mommy?

Me: Go wash your hands for dinner.

Lucas: Yes, mommy (as he goes to wash up).

When you do this, it’s always wise to call the older child first (assuming your older child has a better level of first-time obedience). You want the child who has better first-time obedience to set the example for the younger child. That way, the younger child will easily follow suit.

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Tuesday Triumphs: Sibling love

I love how much my boys love each other! They have their squabbles (what siblings don’t), but they play so well together and usually turn to each other when they’re looking for company. One day, when I was researching school options for William, I asked him about homeschooling and how he would feel about not seeing friends every day. He said Lucas would be his friend. So sweet.

I can think of so many more examples that demonstrate my kids’ love for each other. But in the spirit of this Tuesday Triumph, I’ll keep it to this week. A few days ago, Lucas was in my room with me, and William called his name from downstairs. What was Lucas’ response? He didn’t ignore him. He didn’t say “what?” He didn’t start going downstairs. He said, “yes, William?” He’s got the “yes, mommy” thing down pat and is now using it with his brother.

Of course, the parent in me is a little worried that it might elevate William to the level of a parent, which he would be more than happy about. We have the “third parent” syndrome already. But I’ve decided to let it go. I don’t want to discourage Lucas from saying “yes, mommy” and he knows that when he says it, he gets a positive reaction.

And just this morning, I saw more evidence of brotherly love. Most mornings, when Lucas wakes up, he says, “mommy, mommy, mommy” over and over until somebody gets him out of his crib. (Yes, he’s still in his crib and loves it.) Well, this morning, I heard him on the monitor and instead of calling for me, he said, “William, William, William.”

This brought a mixture of joy and sadness to my heart. The joy comes from the strength of their bond. The sadness is from the fact that my babies are growing up so much that they don’t need me as much as they used to. Lucas is a mama’s boy to the core, and even he is starting to show signs of independence.

My boys are each other’s best friends, and they would regularly choose to play with each other over any other friend. And despite their extreme differences (two different sets of genes there), they play so well. They are three years apart and they do play differently, but that doesn’t stop them from playing together. Lucas looks up to William. And William takes care of Lucas.

I haven’t seen a relationship like theirs in many kids or adults. But I can compare their bond to my relationship with my sister. My sister and I are very different and always have been, but we are very close. I can’t say there has ever been a time when we haven’t gotten along. Even through high school when most annoying little sisters (like me) are cast aside, my friendship with my sister was stronger than ever.

I can only hope that my boys are this close when they get older. If what I see today is any indication, I don’t have anything to worry about. 🙂

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Tuesday Triumphs: “Yes, mommy”

Yes, I’m posting my Tuesday Triumph on Wednesday. It’s just been that kind of week. (And I’m not the kind of blogger who has 32 posts scheduled ahead of time.) Three-year-old Lucas is the spotlight of this week’s triumph. Lucas is often outshined by his brother when it comes to behavior. It’s partly my fault. I wasn’t very consistent with him while my husband was recently deployed. And I was blindsided when it became apparent that he had saved his evil ways for his third birthday. He was incredibly obedient at 20 months!

Anyway, our triumph this week is that Lucas has gotten infinitely better about saying “yes, mommy” when I call his name. My slow talker struggles a bit to get the “yes” part out, but it’s clear to me what he’s saying. He also consistently gives me eye contact when he responds.

If this is how you qualify first-time obedience, as Carla Link claims, then we’re about 85% there! Not bad for a three-year-old!

He’s doing really well in school, too. My baby boy can barely string ten words together, but he can spell his name! He’s always so pleased with himself when he does.

If there’s any doubt that parenting is a process, Lucas offers explicit evidence. I started working with him when he was a baby, and my efforts paid off. I still remember comments from friends and strangers who were amazed by his obedience. Then he followed my lead when I slacked off a bit. We’re now back on track and seeing the fruits of our labor.

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The new year offers a new start

Here we are at the beginning of a new year. What resolutions have you made? Despite all the failed resolutions I’ve made over the years, I feel particularly inspired this year. Yes, January 1st is just another day, but I’m choosing to see the new year as a fresh start.

I’ve decided that many of my former resolutions failed because they weren’t specific enough. This year, I decided to forgo the usuals: exercise more, lose weight, be healthy. This year, I’m being specific. I’m giving up soda. Completely. Cold turkey. I’m doing it primarily because it’s a healthy thing to do, but I also hope that I’ll shed a few pounds.

While making healthy choices is important, the new year also gives us a chance to make new parenting resolutions. It’s a great time to take stock, reset our goals and make sure we’re on track.

So in the spirit of the new year and the fresh start it affords, consider the following:

Reevaluate your parenting goals. Be specific. Don’t say, “improve first-time obedience.” Say, “have my child respond with ‘yes, mommy’ three out of five times in the day.”

Evaluate your schedule. Is it still working? If you’re having a hard time sticking with it, pare it down.

Take stock of your child’s freedoms. Does he have too many? Too few? His freedoms should grow, not as he ages, but as he shows more responsibility.

Revise your discipline plan. Make sure your child’s most chronic behaviors are at the top of the list. Add new ones as you tackle the old ones.

Pledge to do couch time. Make your marriage a priority. Set a specific day, time and place. Be realistic and shoot for three nights a week if you can’t do five.

Evaluate your attitude. Are you encouraging your child enough? Correction must be balanced by encouragement.

Vow to be consistent. Nobody’s perfect. We all slip sometimes. Just remember this: Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Have fun. While our job as parents is to train and teach our children, we can’t forget to live in the moment. Play and be silly with your child. Before you know it, your toddler will be in preschool, your preschooler in elementary school and your teenager in college.

Here’s to a fresh start and a fruitful 2011! Happy New Year!

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FTO Fundamentals: Immediately

In a recent post on first-time obedience (FTO) and self-control, I said I would write a post on the mechanics of FTO and how you can achieve it with your children. This is the first of three posts that should give you all the detail you need to start your FTO training.

Before we continue, let me refer you to my existing posts on first-time obedience. Go back and read those to lay the groundwork for your FTO training. Once you understand what first-time obedience is all about, then you can move on to training your child in it.

In her Mom’s Notes presentations, Carla Link goes into great detail on what exactly first-time obedience training means. Specifically, she defines FTO as having your children come to you at the call of their name immediately, completely and without challenge or complaint.

Today, we’ll discuss the immediate component of FTO training.

Counting to three

In the Mom’s Notes, Carla Link provides a little history on her parenting before she met the Ezzos. “In Growing Kids God’s Way, we learned that obedience needs to come ‘first time.’ Before we came across GKGW, we used to count to three to our children. If I called Michael’s name, wanting him to come to me, I would start counting 1-2-3. My thinking was that he needed time to choose to obey me. Taking time to choose to come at my call was not obedience. True submission (obedience) is coming at the moment of my call, whether he felt like it or not—whether he wanted to or not—whether it was convenient for him to or not.” (Mom’s Notes, Understanding First-Time Obedience)

Coming immediately

When you consider that your child needs to obey you the first time you call his name, you can see how coming immediately is a very important factor. Here’s what immediate FTO looks like:

  • You call your child’s name. (Just say his name. Don’t say, “Matthew, it’s time to pick up your toys.” Just say, “Matthew.”)
  • You wait a short amount of time for him to stop what he’s doing.
  • He says, “yes, mommy?” and comes to you.
  • He gives you eye contact when he comes and waits for your instruction.

That’s it! It’s so simple. When you think that first-time obedience can play out in our lives in so many ways, it can be overwhelming. But when you narrow it down to just him coming to you at the call of his name, it’s very simple.

Once you have achieved this immediate FTO (we’ll get into the other components in future posts), you’ll start to see this heart of submission carry over into other areas of your day.

Not coming immediately

While this training seems so simple, you must think through the scenarios where your child might challenge your authority and not obey you the first time. It can be subtle or overt, so let me give you some examples of what not coming immediately looks like. You call your child’s name and:

  • He says “yes?” when he clearly knows he is to say “yes, mommy” or “yes, mom.”
  • He says “hmm?” or “yeah?”
  • He says “yes, mommy” but doesn’t come to you.
  • He says “yes, mommy” and comes to you but doesn’t look you in the eye.
  • He comes to you and says nothing.
  • He says “yes, mommy” but keeps doing whatever he is doing.
  • He says “yes, mommy, but I need to finish this one last thing.”
  • He says “yes, mommy” and looks you in the eye but doesn’t come to you.

What this requires of you

To set yourself up for success in your FTO training, you need to expect a few things of yourself:

  • You train yourself not to tell your child what you need from him when you call his name. You say his name only and then wait for his response.
  • You don’t call his name casually without waiting for a response.
  • You don’t repeat his name when he doesn’t respond. First-time obedience is exactly that. It’s not second- or third-time obedience.
  • You make sure your child can hear you when you call his name.
  • You call his name and expect FTO whether you need something from him or have something to offer him. Don’t let him learn that every time you call his name, he’s going to have to stop playing and do some chore he doesn’t want to do. Call his name before going to the park or offering him a cookie.

Go back to the posts I mentioned above for more on this.

In my next posts, I’ll discuss the other two components of FTO training which are coming completely and without complaint.

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Surviving the holidays

If you’re like me, you may already be traveling to stay with friends and family for the holidays. The season is full of joy and excitement, especially for the kids, but it can also be chaotic since it often requires us to stray from our usual routine. Here are a few tips to get you through what’s left of the holidays.

Explain your expectations
Whether you’re visiting the usual family members or just having dinner at a friend’s house, clearly tell your child what you expect of him. Tell him what he can and cannot touch. Practice the interrupt rule. Tell your child he is to give you a “yes mommy” and eye contact when you call his name. Give him any special instructions so that he is fully prepared for the situations you will encounter.

Sleep and meals
Most of us will find ourselves operating on other people’s schedules over the holidays. Do your best to keep your child on his normal routine. Explain to family members how important it is that your child gets the sleep he needs to grow and be well behaved. The same goes for meals. Try to eat at normal times and limit sugar. If your mother-in-law is known for putting dinner on the table two hours late, bring a can of soup or something else to tide your child over or so you can feed him early and put him to bed.

Giving and receiving
With retailers starting their holiday sales before Halloween, gifts often become the focus of Christmas. Be sure to explain to your child what Christmas means and why you exchange gifts. Explain that giving and receiving gifts is a way to show our family members that we love them. When you put it in these terms, showing appreciation means more than just being polite. It impresses upon your child the importance of being thankful and receiving gifts graciously.

Also, teach your child the mechanics of opening presents. I sat down with my five-year-old today and we practiced opening gifts. I “wrapped” an old toy and gave it to him, pretending I was grandma. I told him to open it then look in my eyes and say thank you and something like “I love it” or “I’ve always wanted something like this”. I also told him he is not to toss it aside and greedily open gift after gift without stopping to show his appreciation to every giver. I also prepared him for receiving a gift that he doesn’t necessarily like. I asked him what he would say and he said “no thank you”. While this is polite, I told him that to show his love for the giver, he still has to say “thank you” and even pretend that he likes it.

A couple years ago, when my nephew was four or five years old, he opened one of our gifts and said, “I didn’t want this.” It was a purely innocent comment, possibly related to a list he had made or what he had told Santa he wanted. But it caught me a little off guard. Of course, I laughed it off, but it also made me realize the importance of teaching my kids how to receive graciously.

Discipline
There will undoubtedly be times when you will need to discipline your child when you’re away from home. This may be at grandma’s house or even in the store for last-minute shopping. Wherever it may be, scope out your location to look for a place to isolate your child when a timeout is needed. If grandparents disapprove of discipline, politely stand your ground and explain to them the importance of teaching your child (through your actions) what is and is not acceptable behavior. If you slack off on discipline, your child’s behaviors may snowball out of control and nobody will be happy.

Allow your child to take a break
We all get overwhelmed with all the people, food and chatter that happens during the holidays. Allow your child to escape it if he wants to. Find a spot in the home you’re visiting where he can sit and read books or even watch a video. If your child is acting up it could be that all he needs is a little peace and quiet.

No matter how you celebrate the holidays, be sure to prepare your child for what’s expected and do your best to stick with your usual routine and disciplinary methods. Happy holidays!

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