Tag Archives: anger

Get some sleep!

Does your child get enough sleep? Do you? Many kids don’t get enough sleep, and it most certainly affects their behavior. As our kids get older, they need less sleep, and sometimes it’s easy to skip naps here and there when we want to be out having fun.

Does your child get enough sleep?

Here are some signs your child isn’t getting enough sleep:

  • He throws fits over insignificant events. Any little thing will send him over the edge.
  • His behavior is characteristically poor an hour or two before bed.
  • He wakes up in bad mood. (This is huge!)
  • He’d rather lie on the couch and watch TV than go outside to play.
  • He seems hyper before bed.
  • It takes him a long time to settle down for bed and naps.
  • It seems like he’s constantly trying to catch up on sleep.

Making sure our kids get enough sleep is one of the easiest and most important things we can do to ensure good behavior. Stay home for naps. Get him in bed early. Give him the gift of sleep. Your social life can wait a year or two.

Do you get enough sleep?

Sleep is just as important for mom and dad as it is for the child. I know first-hand how easy it is to stay up late to have some alone time while the kids are asleep. But when we don’t get enough sleep, we are much more likely to lose patience with our children. When we are well rested, we can react calmly and with authority when they misbehave. Plus, we are much more available to our kids when we have had enough sleep.

Here are some signs that you need more sleep:

  • You feel like you’re disciplining your child all day long. (Every little thing seems like a huge behavior issue.)
  • You know you should react calmly but can’t seem to manage your anger and frustration.
  • You feel like all your child does is need, need, need, want, want, want.
  • You know you should spend more time playing with your child, but you just don’t have the energy.
  • You realize you went through the day barely talking to your child.
  • All you want to do when you have a break from your child is rest.
  • You argue with your spouse about who gets to sleep in.

Now, if you’re up all night with a newborn and up all day with a toddler, you don’t have much opportunity to sleep. Just be aware of your need for sleep. Take a nap when you can and try your hardest to be more patient with your little ones.

But if your kids sleep through the night, you have no excuse. Allow yourself some “me” time, but don’t lose track of time. Go to bed and get up at a reasonable hour and you’ll all be better off.

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Filed under discipline, parenting, prevention

What’s so wrong with the traditional timeout?

In my previous posts about timeouts, I didn’t delve too deeply into why exactly the Ezzos don’t believe in timeouts as they are typically done in our culture. Here is an explanation, straight out of the book:

“Using timeouts, as culturally practiced, is not an effective substitute for repeated offenses that call for correction. In fact, contrary to popular opinion, using timeouts as a primary method of punishment is one of the least satisfactory types of consequence. There are two reasons behind this statement.

“First, the child seldom associates sitting in a chair with the act for which he is being punished since the frustration of the parent is usually a more dominant factor in the situation than the act itself. As a result, the child tends to associate parental frustration with timeouts rather than with the wrong deed itself. The child is not sitting in a chair contemplating the benefits of a virtuous life, nor is he beating his chest and chanting, ‘Oh, what a sinner I am,’” Growing Kids God’s Way, 5th edition, page 151.

Focus on the behavior, not your frustration

The Ezzos make a very good point about the parent’s frustration becoming the focus of the timeout. I would say that this applies to any form of discipline where parents lose their cool. When you get angry with your child, he will likely point the finger at you rather than himself. He will sit in his timeout thinking about how angry and unfair you are being without thinking about his own actions and what caused the conflict in the first place. It becomes a blame game, and in his head, you are the one to blame.

On the other hand, when you are calm and administer fair discipline, the child has no one to blame but himself. The lack of anger (from the parent and child) allows everyone the clarity they need to see the situation at face value. It allows the child to take blame for his own actions and come to a point of repentance. Any hatred or anger toward the parent is completely eliminated.

Let the punishment fit the crime

The Ezzos make another point about cultural timeouts:

“Second, there is little to no punishment-equivalent. A five-minute timeout for hitting his sister with his hard plastic bat taught Stevie the wrong value for his offense. From the experience, he learned that the pain and bruise to his sister was equal in value to five minutes in the chair,” Growing Kids God’s Way, 5th edition, page 151.

With our discipline methods, we need to show our children the seriousness of their crimes. And every family has its own value system. In our home, the two biggest offenses are disrespecting your parents and lying. In choosing a discipline method for such offenses, I am able to communicate the seriousness of the action. If I did a timeout of one minute per year of age (see my previous description of the Supernanny method) for every misbehavior, I wouldn’t be able to communicate the seriousness of the offense. I could do so with my words—which works to some extent—but as with everything in parenting, actions speak louder than words.

Don’t allow your child to weigh the odds

The other problem with using a timeout for every misbehavior is that the child will weigh the odds. If he knows what’s coming when he disobeys, he may choose that it’s worth it to sit in timeout for five minutes if he can sneak a cookie or even tell a lie against his sibling. When we mix up our discipline methods, we keep our kids on their toes and always use a discipline method that will send the right message and teach the right lesson.

Don’t forget these important points the next time you administer a timeout or any other type of consequence.

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5 reasons logical consequences work

Here’s a quick rundown of why logical consequences are such an important discipline tool.

1)    It’s easy to stay consistent.

Once you have tried a few logical consequences and know they work, it’s easy to file those experiences away in your mental parenting toolbox and refer to them consistently. And as we all know, consistency is what matters most in improving your child’s behavior. If you choose a method that you’re not 100% sure of, you’re likely to question yourself in the midst of conflict. And once your child sees the glimmer of doubt in your eye, he will see that your authority is not impenetrable. This can lead to whining, manipulating and negotiating where your child ends up with all the control.

2)    You don’t lose your cool.

When you react swiftly with logical consequences, it’s easy to do them with no emotion—which is what makes them so effective. You don’t want your child to think he has gotten under your skin or that he’s able to push you to the point of insanity. Staying calm is what allows you to maintain your authority, no matter how egregious his behavior may be.

3)    You learn what really makes your child tick.

By testing out a few logical consequences, you’ll find one or two that seem to really affect your child. Sure, it’s best to get creative with your consequences and make them fit the crime, but when you find one or two that really seem to change your child’s behavior—which is one of our primary goals in parenting—then you can keep them in your back pocket and use them when no other consequence makes sense. But be wary of using them too often. See reason #4.

4)    You keep your child on his toes.

If you use the same consequence over and over again, your child will know what’s coming when he disobeys. This will allow him to weigh the odds and see if his misbehavior is really worth the consequence. He may determine that sneaking a cookie when he’s not allowed is worth spending ten minutes in his room. When you mix up your logical consequences, it keeps your child on his toes so he obeys for the sake of obedience and doing what’s right, not because he has weighed the pros and cons.

5)    You teach a lesson and make it memorable.

I mentioned this in my last post, but it’s worth mentioning again. The whole point of administering logical consequences is to teach a lesson and to make that lesson memorable. If you have sent your child to his room for the tenth time in the day, it’s likely he’s not going to remember whatever lesson you are teaching at that moment. But take him back to the store to apologize to the store manager for putting a pack of gum in his pocket—that he will remember.

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Achieving first-time obedience

In my last post, I described what first-time obedience looks like. Now we’ll get into the details of how you can help your child obey the first time. It’s not easy but so worth it!

Lay the groundwork. It’s all about your tone.
Before you start requiring first-time obedience, you need to ensure your own attitude is in the right place. For those of you unsure of your ability to command authority, reach down within yourself and find your courage. Do not fear your child. Do not let him make the choices for the family. If you have read one or two of the Ezzo books, you are no stranger to the idea that the marriage takes priority in the family. Your child is a welcome member of the family but is not the center of it. Let that attitude carry you through your daily interactions with your child.

Some of you may have a strong handle on your authority but might take it too far. Don’t expect that he will disobey or he will. Don’t think that having authority over your child means that he’ll comply with unreasonable expectations when he’s tired and hungry. Don’t equate authority with anger and power. We want wise parenting, not power parenting.

If you have found the right attitude, you are likely at a place where you want to set your child up to succeed but will maintain a matter-of-fact tone if he doesn’t. When your child disobeys, you don’t accept it or get angry. You say to him, “Oops, I see you’ve made the wrong choice. Too bad. Here is what your consequence will be.”

Be consistent!

One of the most important things you need to require of yourself is consistency. If you want first-time obedience from your child, you must be 100% consistent. If you slip, he will too. But if you require it, he will meet your expectation. Your child will only rise to the expectation you set for him. Set the bar high but keep in mind you need to do the work to help him get there.

Get your “yes, mommy” and eye contact
I cannot stress enough how important it is to have your child respond to the call of his name with a “yes, mommy” and eye contact. Before you give any task, especially one that he won’t want to do, you need to get his attention and know that he is listening. Maintaining eye contact while you give the instruction is key. Refer back to these posts for more.

Don’t repeat yourself
One sure-fire way to not get first-time obedience is to repeat yourself. How can he achieve first-time obedience if you’ve already given your instruction 5 times? Give him your instruction clearly and while maintaining eye contact and you have no excuse to repeat yourself. You know he has heard you loud and clear.

So what do you do if your child doesn’t respond after you’ve given your one instruction? Wait. Don’t wait 20 minutes, but do give him a chance to comply. If he still doesn’t respond, don’t say another word. Simply take him by the hand and physically help him complete the task. If you’ve asked him to put his Legos away and he ignores you, take his hand and bring him over to the Legos. Then take his hands in your own and start picking them up together. Be sure to do this with a very calm demeanor or he will strongly resist you.

After you have completed the task together, explain to him that you had to help him this time and that next time, you want him to obey you the first time you ask him to do something. After you have given it a few days of helping him obey you, move on to expecting him to obey you on his own. If he chooses not to, then you move on to your consequence.

Decide ahead of time what your consequences will be
Spend some time with your spouse thinking through your child’s most troublesome behaviors. Then decide on a logical or natural consequence for each of those behaviors. Write them down and post them in the kitchen so you can refer to them often. Perhaps picking up his toys is where he struggles the most. You might decide to take those toys away for a day. Let the punishment fit the crime, and make sure your consequences are ones that you can follow through on, even at your own weakest moments.

The key here is that you plan ahead so that when you’re faced with disobedience, you’re not scrambling to come up with a consequence. You want to respond swiftly, especially as you’re just beginning. Refer to my post on intentional parenting for more.

Do non-conflict training
Whether he’s 2 or 12, take the time to explain to him your new standard of obedience. He needs to know that you are changing the rules of the game and that you will be giving consequences the first time he disobeys. Clearly explain to him that you expect him to respond to your instructions the first time you give them. Be specific. Tell him that if he runs away from you at the park, you will go home the first time. Tell him that if he speaks to you with disrespect just one time, he will lose his TV privileges. Remind him often, several times a day every day.

Follow through
This is where you make or break the deal. You can do all of the work I describe above, but if you don’t follow through when your child disobeys the first time, all of your work will be for nothing. Not only will it have been a waste of time, but now your child won’t believe you when you say you will require first-time obedience. If your child disobeys just one time, issue the consequence, no questions asked. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t threaten. Don’t get angry. Keep a calm demeanor and follow through.

Now, don’t kick yourself if you slip once or twice. You are both acquiring a new skill, but do make it a priority. Even set aside a few days when you can stay home and work on it.

Set your child up for success
You want your child to achieve first-time obedience, right? So set him up to succeed. Don’t start your work on first-time obedience by asking your 4-year-old to mow the lawn. Take baby steps. Start by giving him a task you know he’ll do willingly. If he does it the first time, praise him! Expect that he will succeed. Make it so that he wants to give you first-time obedience. Then once he is doing well with simple tasks, move on to more difficult ones.

Be fair
You cannot expect your child to give you first-time obedience if you haven’t done all your work first. You can’t issue a consequence the first time if you haven’t told him what you expect. For all he knows, you’ll repeat yourself 20 times like you usually do. And consider context. Don’t start expecting first-time obedience when your fuse is short and your child is tired and hungry.

Require a happy heart

I started this post by asking you to work on your own attitude, and I’ll end by saying you need to ensure your child has the right attitude as well. A big component of first-time obedience is doing it with an attitude of submission. You might want to spend a week or two working on the mechanics of first-time obedience before you move on to changing his attitude. But once you are ready to do so, explain to him at a time of non-conflict, what you expect of him. Then if he gives you first-time obedience but sulks off after complying or whines about doing the task, start requiring him to respond with a happy heart. One of the best ways to do so is requiring him to do the task over with a better attitude. If he needs a few minutes in isolation to find his happy heart, let him go to his room and then come back to you when he’s ready to comply with a better attitude.

This was a long post full of weighty ideas. Refer back to it often. Good luck!

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Filed under first-time obedience, parenting philosophy

Anger

The Ezzos have given us many tools to effectively parent our kids. Getting angry is not one of them. You should never have to raise your voice or get frustrated with your child if you use these techniques well. Is it human to get frustrated with your kids? Yes. Can you prevent it? Yes. The more you apply the Ezzo techniques the more obedient your child will become. And the more obedient he is, the less angry and frustrated you will be. So that’s your first task to eliminate anger: apply these principles consistently.

Beyond this, the single most important way to manage your anger is to shift your mindset. You must realize that your anger is your problem not your child’s. No matter how much your child disobeys, your anger is not his fault. You are the adult; he is the child. You choose how you respond to his disobedience. Most children come from a place of goodness and want to obey their parents. If they understand the rules and have motivation to obey, they will. If you constantly battle anger, it should be your signal to look within yourself and examine your parenting to see where you went wrong.

One way to do so is to consistently act more than you speak. It’s too easy to give warning after warning. If you have told your child to do something 20 times in 10 minutes and his behavior still doesn’t change, there is a problem. If you speak more than you act, your words become meaningless and your child will stop obeying you. As trite as it sounds, actions speak louder than words. If your child doesn’t respond the first time you ask him to do something, your very next step should be discipline. This is the crux of first-time obedience. The Ezzos have taught us many ways to correct our children, and no one technique works for all situations, but if your child understands the rules and chooses to break them, you should discipline nonetheless. Show your child with your actions that you mean business. If you constantly remind your child how to behave or give him 200 warnings before disciplining him, your anger level will rise, no doubt. (For more on this, see Say what you mean. Mean what you say.)

If you struggle with anger, you should also examine your need for control. Those of us who apply the Ezzo principles like having our lives structured so we feel more in control. We feel happier when everything is nicely planned out. When things stray from our plan, the loss of control can be unsettling. But undoubtedly, there will be times in your life when your child creates a situation that you cannot control. This is part of being a parent. We can do all that we can to set our children up for success, but ultimately they control what they eat, when they will sleep and when they will potty train. We cannot physically force them to do these things. If you feel like control is at the root of your anger, simply being aware of it will help.

Another way to eliminate anger and frustration from your parenting is to pay constant attention to your tone of voice, body language and stress level. There are times when you can feel the frustration level slowly rising. And there are times when you get angry at the drop of a hat with little warning. If you struggle with anger, make it your objective to be on constant alert for your anger signals. Ask your spouse to tell you when he sees you get angry. Develop a signal like tugging on his ear or clearing his throat to indicate to you that you need to calm down. You don’t want him to flat out tell you to calm down in front of your child because it will undermine your authority. Another option is to set the video camera on record for a few hours and watch it back. Listen to your voice. Watch your body language. Watch your child’s reactions to your anger. Pay attention to your stress level whether it manifests through tense shoulders, clenched fists, tight jaw, etc.

Once you become more aware of your anger signals, try to determine a pattern. Do you get angry at certain times of the day more than others? Are your mornings always stressful? Are you most angry when you’re out in public with your child? Are you always tired and simply need more sleep? Try to find a pattern and then take steps to change the pattern. For example, if you find yourself getting angry during your morning routine, get up an hour earlier. Simple fix. If you find yourself getting angry at mealtimes, do some non-conflict training with your child to teach him manners. If you are angry throughout the day or more so in the evenings, try going to bed an hour or two earlier.

Also have a plan for when he disobeys. Decide ahead of time what consequence you will give your child if he misbehaves at your high-stress times. That way, you know how you will respond and won’t lapse into anger.

Another useful tactic is to find a way to physically prevent yourself from disciplining your child out of anger. Make your typical discipline spot far away from the activity center of the house. If your trouble spots are in the main hub of the house (kitchen, family room, etc.) force yourself to discipline your child only in his bedroom or a bathroom. The time that it takes to walk up the stairs or across the house will give you time to calm down. If your house is small or if this doesn’t work for whatever reason, just count to ten silently. Take a breather. Give yourself a timeout if you need it. There is nothing wrong with making your child wait for discipline. In fact, the anticipation of it may be discipline enough.

Above all, if you know you struggle with anger and cannot seem to manage it, simply walk away. Even if your child continues with the poor behavior, letting him continue to do so for a few minutes is far better than disciplining him out of anger. Not only is it ineffective, but disciplining in anger is borderline abusive. It’s too important to ignore so take the necessary steps to control your anger. It’s no easy task, but you will all be happier for it.

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Filed under first-time obedience, parenting philosophy