Funnel Pitfall #3: You don’t require your child to ask for permission

One of the most important things you can do to keep your child inside the funnel is to require him to ask for permission. If you’re ever unsure as to whether your child should be engaging in a particular activity, have him ask for your permission first.

My contact mom taught me this concept when we first started implementing the Ezzo principles. We were on the phone talking about William’s behaviors and I mentioned that he was putting on his rain boots to go outside. By then, he could open the sliding glass door by himself and before I knew it, he was outside playing on the deck. I asked her if she thought it was okay that he go outside on the deck by himself, and she asked if he had asked for permission first. Of course, he hadn’t, and I couldn’t believe I had skipped such an important step in my parenting.

Here are some signs you need to have your child ask for permission:

  • It’s very quiet in the other room and you discover your child elbow-deep in playdough…on the carpet!
  • Your child goes out back (or front!) by himself.
  • Your child pulls out bubbles and other messy crafts at will.
  • You’re playing outside and he pulls out his bike, scooter, soccer ball and tennis racket. By the time he’s done, the entire neighborhood is scattered with your belongings.
  • Whenever the mood strikes, your child rummages through the pantry or refrigerator for a snack.
  • Your child acts like the house is his playground. He is allowed free access to any room.

Think about the things your child does that nag at you a bit. If that little voice of intuition is speaking to you, it means something. Take note of that feeling and make a list of activities your child will need to ask for permission first. These will often be activities that he is allowed to do (like the playdough) but on a limited basis (not on the carpet!) or only under your supervision.

Sit down with your child at a time of non-conflict and explain to him what asking for permission means. Show him the importance of getting your eye contact when asking for permission and waiting patiently for an answer before he moves forward.

The great thing about having your child ask you for permission is that it gives you time to decide whether you should allow a particular freedom. Rather than letting something go because he didn’t ask or disciplining after he has already started, having him ask for permission will allow you to think through whether it is an activity you want to allow. It prevents any problems or frustrations before they arise.

The other nice thing about this concept is that you don’t have to make everything 100% off limits. There should be certain things that are completely off-limits, but if there is something you think your child will grow into or if there are activities that take more time than others, having your child ask for permission first will give you the opportunity to allow those freedoms at some times and not others. It allows you to maintain control over your child’s activities.

After working on this for almost two years, William does a good job of asking for permission. Our problem now is that he will often tell me he is going upstairs or whatever it is rather than asking me. I will stop him and say, “Are you asking me or telling me?” It’s my little reminder that he needs to ask for permission before he goes.

Even your non-verbal toddler can ask for permission. Teach him the sign for please and have him look at you and point to the activity or toy he wants while signing please. Now that Lucas is walking, I will start reinforcing this idea. I might even teach him to come get me and bring me to the toy if I’m in another room.

Having your child ask for permission is one of those key concepts that prevents disobedience from your child. Use it often!

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5 Comments

Filed under first-time obedience, parenting, parenting philosophy, prevention

5 responses to “Funnel Pitfall #3: You don’t require your child to ask for permission

  1. Amanda

    Tobias just learned to sign please and I am so going to start implementing this. He has gotten into a bad habit of making a mad dash for the bathroom or our bedroom (his new favorite places to sit and laugh to himself) and it’s quite mischevious. You can just see the glint in his eyes as he does it 🙂 This will be an interesting experiment, I hadn’t thought to use “please” for this purpose, but hopefully it can start some good habits for later.

  2. Lynn

    I miss your posts! I hope you blog again soon!

  3. Maureen

    Good to hear you like the blog and I’m so sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. My husband just got back from a deployment and with my son out of school for the summer, our schedule is a little hectic. But I promise to make more time for it and start posting regularly again soon!

  4. Kim

    Great post.
    When working with moms that haven’t required their children to ask but would like to start requiring it (older children that can read) is to tape an index card to say the fridge that simply says “ASK” This is a reminder to the child to ask. In not much time at all, asking is a habit and the signs can be removed.

    Asking permission also helps prevention of becoming wise in one’s own eyes.

    Again, great post.
    Praising Him,
    Kim

  5. Maureen

    Great tip! Thanks!

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