Supernanny timeout

In case you haven’t seen the show, here’s a clip from Supernanny that shows her timeout methods. Ignore the horrible audio. But make note of the father chasing the child down and telling her what she did wrong and how it was “naughty.” Note the child’s utter defiance, kicking her dad and with her hands over her ears. And take a look at the girl’s face when the timeout is over. It’s as if she’s surprised that it was over and that’s all it took. Now, I’m not saying to “use the belt” as this father would have, but there are definitely a few things you can do differently.

I do agree with Supernanny about the importance of staying calm. But the Ezzos would have us require the child to tell us what they did wrong and why it was wrong. And we certainly shouldn’t accept a cursory response of “It was naughty.” Most of all, we need our children to show a happy and repentant heart, which I don’t see in this little girl. I’ll discuss this in greater depth in a few days.

Timeouts the Ezzo way

When natural and logical consequences don’t work, timeouts can be an effective tool. One thing to understand about timeouts the Ezzo way is that the Ezzos don’t believe in timeouts as they are culturally done.

Timeouts the Supernanny way

Before we talk about the Ezzos’ version of timeout, let’s talk about the cultural perception of timeout, often seen on Supernanny. The idea here is that you send your child to sit on a spot in or near the main area of the house. The child sits for one minute per year of his age (e.g., a 5-year-old sits for 5 minutes). If the child doesn’t sit, you spend an hour or more sweating (and going mad) as you keep putting the child back on the spot. Then once the child sits and his time is up, you offer a two-sentence reminder of what he did wrong and demand an apology. If you have seen the show, you know that the apologies the children give are rarely heartfelt. The parents hug and kiss the reluctant child, and all is well with the world (not likely).

Now for parents who are just beginning to command authority from their children, this version of the timeout at least establishes a bit of respect for the parent. But for those of us seeking first-time obedience (or for those of us who already have it), this version of a timeout does little to teach, which is what discipline is all about.

Isolation

The Ezzos’ version of timeouts is more about isolation.

“Children are social beings. Isolation means temporarily taking away the privilege of social contact…. Isolation can be used as a form of correction when a parent isolates a child to his room, not for play, but for contemplation. This approach should be used to draw attention to the more serious offenses,” Growing Kids God’s Way, 5^th edition, p. 161.

You’ll notice the Ezzos don’t even use the term “timeout.” The only time you will hear this word from them is in the phrase “reflective timeout” which is done BEFORE the child has committed any wrongdoing. Its intent is entirely different.

Isolation is not some cursory punishment with the child sitting near you and his siblings. As I mentioned in a previous post, we want to discipline, not punish our children. The goal of discipline is to teach, not make them suffer for the sake of suffering. So to have them sit just for the sake of sitting does little to teach them about why their actions were wrong.

The goal: a happy and repentant heart

If you have seen Supernanny, you might recall the “apologies” that are given after a timeout. (Yes, those quotes are meant to convey sarcasm.) The parent requires the child to apologize with a mere “sorry” which is often mumbled through tears or a dejected face that doesn’t convey repentance. That insincere “sorry” sounds more like the child was sorry he got caught, with a bit of surprise that the parent actually followed through on the timeout.

With the Ezzos’ version of timeout, the ultimate goal is a happy and repentant heart. When you send him to timeout, he is likely feeling mad, sad or indignant that you would send him to his room. By the end of his timeout, he must express true repentance, offer a sincere apology and even ask how he can right the wrong. It is only when you see this in your child that the timeout should be over.

So how long is a timeout?

The Ezzos might argue that one minute per year of age is hardly enough time for a child to seriously contemplate what he did wrong and find a happy and repentant heart. You must also consider the seriousness of the offense when deciding how long your child should sit in his room. A subtle form of disrespect might warrant 5-10 minutes while an aggressive action done in anger might warrant 20 minutes or more.

The key idea here is that the parent decides how long the child needs to sit. And when making that decision, it’s not a matter of how much of a punishment the child needs (or how much of a break the parent wants). It’s a matter of how long it will take for the child to reach the point of repentance. Every child is different, so it is up to the parent to decide.

I suggest that you even allow your child to determine how long his timeout should be. A child about 5 years old and up (assuming a healthy level of first-time obedience), should be allowed to determine when his timeout is over. Now, if he sits for two minutes and you can tell his heart isn’t in the right place, send him back. But what you might discover more often is that the child will sit for much longer than you expect. The child knows how much time he needs to achieve a happy and repentant heart and will sit for as long as he thinks is necessary.

First-time obedience is necessary

As you can imagine, sending a child to his room to sit on his bed will take a healthy dose of first-time obedience. If you don’t have it with your child, you will end up like those parents you see on Supernanny chasing after their children for hours on end. This is one reason why first-time obedience is so important.

If you are still working on first-time obedience with your toddler, it’s fine to do timeouts in a crib or playpen. Just be sure they are done away from the main area of the house. You still need him to be isolated. And keep him there for as long as is needed for him to have a happy and repentant heart. Some might scoff at the idea of a 2-year-old feeling repentant, but those of you with toddlers know what I’m talking about. You can see it in their eyes. These kids wear their hearts on their sleeves.

In my next post, I’ll offer more on the mechanics of issuing timeouts the Ezzo way.

5 reasons logical consequences work

Here’s a quick rundown of why logical consequences are such an important discipline tool.

1)    It’s easy to stay consistent.

Once you have tried a few logical consequences and know they work, it’s easy to file those experiences away in your mental parenting toolbox and refer to them consistently. And as we all know, consistency is what matters most in improving your child’s behavior. If you choose a method that you’re not 100% sure of, you’re likely to question yourself in the midst of conflict. And once your child sees the glimmer of doubt in your eye, he will see that your authority is not impenetrable. This can lead to whining, manipulating and negotiating where your child ends up with all the control.

2)    You don’t lose your cool.

When you react swiftly with logical consequences, it’s easy to do them with no emotion—which is what makes them so effective. You don’t want your child to think he has gotten under your skin or that he’s able to push you to the point of insanity. Staying calm is what allows you to maintain your authority, no matter how egregious his behavior may be.

3)    You learn what really makes your child tick.

By testing out a few logical consequences, you’ll find one or two that seem to really affect your child. Sure, it’s best to get creative with your consequences and make them fit the crime, but when you find one or two that really seem to change your child’s behavior—which is one of our primary goals in parenting—then you can keep them in your back pocket and use them when no other consequence makes sense. But be wary of using them too often. See reason #4.

4)    You keep your child on his toes.

If you use the same consequence over and over again, your child will know what’s coming when he disobeys. This will allow him to weigh the odds and see if his misbehavior is really worth the consequence. He may determine that sneaking a cookie when he’s not allowed is worth spending ten minutes in his room. When you mix up your logical consequences, it keeps your child on his toes so he obeys for the sake of obedience and doing what’s right, not because he has weighed the pros and cons.

5)    You teach a lesson and make it memorable.

I mentioned this in my last post, but it’s worth mentioning again. The whole point of administering logical consequences is to teach a lesson and to make that lesson memorable. If you have sent your child to his room for the tenth time in the day, it’s likely he’s not going to remember whatever lesson you are teaching at that moment. But take him back to the store to apologize to the store manager for putting a pack of gum in his pocket—that he will remember.

Get creative with logical consequences

In my last post, I discussed natural consequences. The counterpart to natural consequences is logical consequences. What’s the difference? Natural consequences happen as a course of nature or as a direct result of the child’s actions. Logical consequences, on the other hand, are those that you, as a parent, impose on your child to teach a lesson.

“The consequence a parent employs to redirect a child’s thinking and behavior should be logically associated with the offense…. Since the purpose of correction is to help the child become self-governing according to moral principle, parents must choose a consequence that will best serve that purpose,” Growing Kids God’s Way, p. 160.

Here are some examples:

• Your toddler chooses not to clean up when you told him to, so you take those toys away.
• Your child refuses to turn off the TV, so you take away TV privileges for the week.
• Your child has a nasty attitude around family members, so you send him away. If he can’t be nice to others, he must be alone.
• Your toddler refuses to walk next to you in the grocery store, so you put him in the shopping cart.
• Your child demands a snack, so you walk away and refuse the snack.

Impose a time limit
When removing privileges as a logical consequence, it’s best to impose a time limit. Tell your child that you will take his Legos away for three or thirty days, depending on the severity of the offense. Tell your child how long it will be before he will get his TV privileges back. State this as a fact when you take the privilege away, not as a threat before you do so.

By all means, don’t allow your child to think he has any influence over when the consequence ends. Don’t allow him to negotiate with you and don’t give the privilege back upon his pleading. If he cannot stop asking for his privilege back, make the time limit even longer. Tell him you will decide when he will have it back.

Earning privileges back
When you reinstate privileges, make sure your child has earned the privilege back. If he continues to refuse to turn off the TV when you say so, he clearly doesn’t have the responsibility to watch TV. If your toddler continues to walk (or run) away from you in the store, he doesn’t have the responsibility to not be in the cart when you shop.

Make consequences memorable
Taking toys away or sending your child to his room are predictable consequences that he might soon forget. Get creative with your logical consequences to improve your child’s chances of remembering the lesson. Maybe your child has a particular attachment to the radio in his room. It’s likely your child has a favorite toy. Perhaps your child lives for going to the park. Figure out what your child is most attached to and use it to your advantage when administering logical consequences.

Remember the intent
Don’t forget the fundamental idea of administering logical consequences. They are not to punish your child for the sake of punishment. Logical consequences are a form of discipline that parents use to teach their child a lesson. So when you remove and reinstate privileges, be sure to explain to your child why he misbehaved and what you expect of him next time.

Logical consequences are arguably the most effective tool in teaching our children appropriate behaviors. Use them well!

Let natural consequences do the teaching

When considering discipline methods for your child, natural consequences can be one of life’s best teachers. There is often confusion about the difference between natural and logical consequences. What makes a consequence natural? Basically, a natural consequence is any act of nature that inflicts pain (physical or otherwise) and that requires no involvement from you, the parent.

Here are some examples:

• Your child pulls the cat’s tail and gets scratched.
• Your child runs across a freshly mopped floor and falls down.
• Your child is unkind to a friend and loses that friendship.
• Your child is a daredevil on his bike and falls off.
• Your child jumps in a puddle and has to walk in wet shoes.

Of course, you will do all you can to warn your child of the effects of his actions. But if he chooses to misbehave anyway, you allow the natural consequence to be his discipline.

Now, if you have told him not to pull the cat’s tail and he does so anyway, you allow the scratch to be his teacher. There is no need for additional discipline from you for disobeying your command. You will, however point out the pain of the scratch to show your child the importance of obeying you.

You will also console your child, but in your consolation you must not remove all blame from the child. Do not fault the cat for scratching the child. Don’t say something like, “Bad kitty.” What you will want to say is, “You hurt the kitty and she needed to defend herself, so she scratched you. Next time you will know what happens when you pull her tail. Here’s how we pet the kitty gently.”

Natural consequences work just as well with older children. If your child’s close friend uncovers a lie your child told, then it’s likely the friend will harbor resentment. Don’t blame the friend for her actions. Console your child when he’s upset about losing a friend, but don’t absolve him of all blame. Use the opportunity to explain why the friend feels the way she does, and discuss with him the effects of lying to the people we care about.

As you can see, natural consequences often do a better job teaching lessons than any correction we parents may give. Be on the lookout for natural consequences and allow life to be your child’s teacher. In my next post, I’ll discuss logical consequences.

Surviving the holidays

If you’re like me, you may already be traveling to stay with friends and family for the holidays. The season is full of joy and excitement, especially for the kids, but it can also be chaotic since it often requires us to stray from our usual routine. Here are a few tips to get you through what’s left of the holidays.

Explain your expectations
Whether you’re visiting the usual family members or just having dinner at a friend’s house, clearly tell your child what you expect of him. Tell him what he can and cannot touch. Practice the interrupt rule. Tell your child he is to give you a “yes mommy” and eye contact when you call his name. Give him any special instructions so that he is fully prepared for the situations you will encounter.

Sleep and meals
Most of us will find ourselves operating on other people’s schedules over the holidays. Do your best to keep your child on his normal routine. Explain to family members how important it is that your child gets the sleep he needs to grow and be well behaved. The same goes for meals. Try to eat at normal times and limit sugar. If your mother-in-law is known for putting dinner on the table two hours late, bring a can of soup or something else to tide your child over or so you can feed him early and put him to bed.

Giving and receiving
With retailers starting their holiday sales before Halloween, gifts often become the focus of Christmas. Be sure to explain to your child what Christmas means and why you exchange gifts. Explain that giving and receiving gifts is a way to show our family members that we love them. When you put it in these terms, showing appreciation means more than just being polite. It impresses upon your child the importance of being thankful and receiving gifts graciously.

Also, teach your child the mechanics of opening presents. I sat down with my five-year-old today and we practiced opening gifts. I “wrapped” an old toy and gave it to him, pretending I was grandma. I told him to open it then look in my eyes and say thank you and something like “I love it” or “I’ve always wanted something like this”. I also told him he is not to toss it aside and greedily open gift after gift without stopping to show his appreciation to every giver. I also prepared him for receiving a gift that he doesn’t necessarily like. I asked him what he would say and he said “no thank you”. While this is polite, I told him that to show his love for the giver, he still has to say “thank you” and even pretend that he likes it.

A couple years ago, when my nephew was four or five years old, he opened one of our gifts and said, “I didn’t want this.” It was a purely innocent comment, possibly related to a list he had made or what he had told Santa he wanted. But it caught me a little off guard. Of course, I laughed it off, but it also made me realize the importance of teaching my kids how to receive graciously.

Discipline
There will undoubtedly be times when you will need to discipline your child when you’re away from home. This may be at grandma’s house or even in the store for last-minute shopping. Wherever it may be, scope out your location to look for a place to isolate your child when a timeout is needed. If grandparents disapprove of discipline, politely stand your ground and explain to them the importance of teaching your child (through your actions) what is and is not acceptable behavior. If you slack off on discipline, your child’s behaviors may snowball out of control and nobody will be happy.

Allow your child to take a break
We all get overwhelmed with all the people, food and chatter that happens during the holidays. Allow your child to escape it if he wants to. Find a spot in the home you’re visiting where he can sit and read books or even watch a video. If your child is acting up it could be that all he needs is a little peace and quiet.

No matter how you celebrate the holidays, be sure to prepare your child for what’s expected and do your best to stick with your usual routine and disciplinary methods. Happy holidays!

Children want to be disciplined

Among most parents, it’s understood that children need discipline. But have you ever considered that your child actually wants to be disciplined? Sure, he may protest when you send him to his room, but many experts say children actually crave discipline.

I am currently reading Make Your Children Mind without Losing Yours by Kevin Leman and in the book, he says, “They don’t test us out of orneriness; what they really want to know is whether or not we care. When we are firm and prove that we do care, they may not like it but they do respect us and appreciate us,” (p. 88).

Discipline shows you care
Our children want discipline simply to know that we care about them. When you discipline your child, you are showing that you have a vested interest in how he behaves. You show that you care about what he does and who he becomes.

Some children of permissive parents will act out simply to challenge their parents to discipline them. They will try every misdeed in the book to see if their parents care enough to discipline them. Sadly, this tactic usually backfires on them. Not only do they not receive loving discipline, but also they get shouting, frustrated parents who lash out once they have reached their breaking point. (Think Supernanny.)

Discipline allows children to learn
Our children also want discipline so they can learn to navigate the world around them. In most cases, our children come from a place of innocence and want to please their parents. However, they are still learning the ways of the world and need their parents’ discipline to redirect them towards right behavior.

No matter how young, on some level, your child recognizes that he needs this discipline to learn how to behave in the world. He knows that the world can be a big, scary place, and he depends on you to teach and guide him by disciplining those behaviors that are not acceptable in our world.

Discipline cleanses the soul
Most importantly, disciplining your child can cleanse his soul. When you discipline, the behavior is spoken about openly and is addressed with love. The child understands what he did wrong and has the opportunity to apologize for his actions. He also has the opportunity to receive forgiveness from those he offended. Once he repents and receives forgiveness, his slate is wiped clean.

When a child misbehaves and receives no discipline, he may feel secretly self-conscious about his behavior but has no opportunity to confess his sin or ask for forgiveness. Without being encouraged to apologize to his parents, his sins are left to fester in his heart.

His heart then becomes full of negativity, especially if his whole childhood is characterized by a lack of discipline. He may even carry this feeling into his adult years. Sure, he may understand that the actions he committed as a child are relatively insignificant, but when that negativity stays in his heart for so long, the actions and his feelings toward them can get blown out of proportion.

Be sure to show your child you care about his actions and his heart by disciplining him in love. One day, he will thank you for it.

Discipline litmus test

Are your discipline methods working? There are many ways to discipline children, but often, it’s hard to know whether our discipline methods are working. In the heat of the moment, you may send your child to his room for isolation and later think that maybe taking away his TV privileges would have been more effective.

So how can you know for sure whether your discipline methods are working? There’s one simple question you can ask yourself: Do my child’s behaviors change after my usual form of discipline? If so, then what you are doing is working. If not, you need to reevaluate your methods.

I once heard someone say that the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I’m not calling anybody crazy, but it’s a nice idea to remember when you’re feeling frustrated that your child’s behaviors aren’t improving. If things aren’t working, you need to change your methods.

It’s hard not to get stuck in the same routine with the same discipline methods. After all, it is far easier to send your preschooler to his room when something like cancelling a playdate would be more effective. Here are some creative discipline ideas to try:

• Old method: Tell your child over and over to stop grabbing things off the shelf at the grocery store.
• New method: Ask the store clerk to put your cart in the cooler and take your child home for discipline. Send your spouse back to the store later to pay for the groceries.

• Old: Threaten your child with a timeout when he’s screaming in the car.
• New: Don’t get in the car until he has stopped screaming. If you are already on the road, pull over and get out. Nobody wants to be in a confined space with a screamer!

• Old: Push toy after toy at your toddler to quiet him in a restaurant.
• New: Take him to a quiet place in the restaurant (like the restrooms) or outside and firmly explain the behavior you expect of him.

• Old: Feel rushed and stressed getting your child to school on time because he won’t get out of bed.
• New: Let him be late and don’t bail him out.

Also consider that perhaps the behavior doesn’t need discipline at all. I notice that when my kids are getting restless, things can easily snowball out of control. One minute, they’re a little silly. The next minute, they’re running around the house chasing each other and getting hurt. I certainly do discipline when it gets to this point, but it’s far better if I stop them at the point of silly and pull out a bin of toys for them to play with. Channeling that energy into something more productive is far more effective than disciplining after the fact.

Any parent’s ultimate goal is to instill in the child a sense of right and wrong. If your methods aren’t accomplishing this then you need to rethink your discipline and find a new way that will give you the results you are looking for.

Set realistic expectations

One of the most important elements of good parenting is setting expectations. Some parents expect far too much of their children only to exasperate themselves and their children. Other parents expect far too little. I encourage you to constantly evaluate your expectations of your child.

Setting the bar
Many Ezzo parents are proud of the fact that they can expect relatively good behavior from their children. This stems from the fact that we often set the bar quite high. Yet some parents take this too far, setting the bar so high that it’s impossible for their children to reach it. This family finds themselves in constant struggle with children being disciplined regularly for goals that are simply unattainable.

On the other hand, some parents, permissive parents in particular, set the bar too low. They expect very little of their children and achieve exactly that. These parents are often just as frustrated, however, simply because of their children’s excessive misbehavior. The children of permissive parents don’t get off without frustrations of their own. While in their daily lives they escape discipline, they encounter certain situations where the parents decide to crack down. Typically, this is at a friend’s house or some other public location that has left permissive parents feeling so embarrassed they decide to take action. Their poor children don’t see it coming and are confused by the sudden change in the rules.

Find your happy medium between these two extremes. Set your bar high enough that you can expect good behavior and a solid moral conscience, but don’t set it so high that you exasperate yourself or your child.

Childishness vs. defiance
While setting the bar high will help improve your child’s behavior, we must not forget that they sometimes misbehave in innocence. Before disciplining your child, you must stop to think about the intent behind the misbehavior. You must determine whether the behavior was caused by simple childishness or whether the child was being defiant in his actions.

“We use the term childishness to refer to innocent immaturity. This includes those nonmalicious, nonrebellious, accidental mistakes our children make…. Defiance, on the other hand, implies bad motives. The child knew the act was wrong but did it anyway. Childishness is usually a head problem—a lack of knowledge. Defiance is usually a heart problem—the child does not want to do right,” (On Becoming Childwise, p. 132).

Clearly, defiance deserves correction. Childishness, however, must be treated differently. While childish acts can be just as grating on a parent’s nerves, they cannot be treated in the same way. Simply explain to your child why his actions were wrong so you give him the knowledge for next time. If he makes the same mistake again (and if it’s not a true accident), then the act deserves correction. If your child clearly understands your instruction and commits the offense again, the act moves from childishness to defiance.

Expectations change
One final note about setting expectations is to realize that they will—and should—change as your child gets older. Some actions will be treated as childishness with a young child, but the same actions in an older child are defiance. Yes, you must still tell your child what you expect of him, but also at some point he becomes old enough to know better.

Say you struggle with table manners with your toddler. In many ways, his actions (getting food all over his face, choosing to use his hands over utensils, etc.) are childish. But if you saw these same actions in a five-year-old, you would treat them as defiance. An older child has the capacity to use his utensils and keep food in his mouth—not to mention use a napkin—so if he acts like a toddler at the table, his actions must be corrected.

Be aware of this as your child ages and make sure you are moving your expectations and setting the bar higher and higher. And take the time right now to make sure your expectations are in the right place for today. You don’t want to discipline your child excessively nor do you want to set the bar too low. Take the time to figure out where your child’s bar belongs.

Mom’s Notes on sale!

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